The Case of Amanda

One of the first emotions that I felt reading Amanda’s case was pity—it seems that the girl is lost. Her father’s death, uprooting from the country and culture she has ever known, and unhealthy relationship with her mother: all of these point that she is in dire need of serious help. Of course, Amanda’s way of “coping” with her situations are unnerving, even annoying. And her mother, as a single parent and disciplinarian, seems to be in a rather difficult situation herself, which makes it harder for her to understand Amanda.

I tried putting myself in her (Amanda) situation. But of course, with my Filipino upbringing and not having experienced such deep loss, I admit I cannot totally empathize with her. Aside from personality differences, if I was not educated that people need to be understood instead of being judged I would have branded her as a spoiled, selfish teenager who cannot see the reality that life does not give us what we want all the time.

But coming to think of that, I think I may be an “Amanda”… maybe just in subtler forms. There are times when I am faced with situations where I feel I am totally helpless to get out of, when things don’t go as planned and it’s out of my control, and when something very significant is forever taken from me. In those times when I feel deprived, cheated, abandoned, uncared for, I also try to “cope” haughtily, wanting people to think that I don’t care about any of those things. I guess Freud was right when he said that these defenses can be healthy. But too much of it can lead to mental health hazard. And that’s why we need help… from the significant people in our lives and yes, God.

Amanda, as young as she is, I believe, knows that she needs help. But she is wary of any help, which she seems to interpret as punishment, especially if it is something forced to her by her mother. Which is why she needs help from someone she sees as a friend.

I tried imagining myself as Amanda’s counselor. One of the first challenges of that role is not to judge Amanda—especially if I have already conversed with her mother and/or school authorities. Building prejudice against her would make it very difficult for me to be able to understand and empathize with her.

Another challenge is building a helping relationship with Amanda, which will let her see me as a friend who is willing to help her. If this is established, I am pretty sure that she will be an active partner during the course of the counseling. Yet it would be quite difficult in her case because she was “forced” to go to counseling, and it was her mother who forced her to it.

And lastly, it would be a challenge to make her mother and her siblings to understand that they need to support Amanda through her counseling period. They need to know that Amanda is undergoing a serious phase in her teenage life and quarreling with or scolding her would not exactly be an encouragement for her. Her home will be one of the most important support systems that she needs so that she may concentrate on her internal and relational issues.

I guess we have or we will encounter an Amanda in our life. It is rather easy to just put them under the category of “People I don’t think I can get along with” or “People too selfish whom I don’t want anything to do with”. But to be a helper or counselor is to learn the skill of seeing beyond the surface facts and coming up with questions to probe the real issues. It is to be aware that a person’s actions are just manifestations of deeper concerns that they may be covering up or ignoring. It is to see human beings as persons—with histories, pains, losses, desires, hopes and blank spaces that they want to fill. It is to let them see that there is hope and that they CAN change and work towards what they want HEALTHILY instead of overusing the defenses. It is about listening…

After all, each one of us has a story to tell.