I used to be the too polite kind. But I remember an instance when I came too strong because I felt that the persons I confronted were standing in the way of something that I wholeheartedly believed in. And that they had to be “put in their right place” for the cause to succeed. I guess the tendency to come too polite or too strong would depend on how I feel about the issue. If it’s something that can be handled in the kindest manner, then I would probably confront courteously. But if I feel so much for the issue, there’s a bigger probability that I’ll come strong.
There was a time when I felt I had to agree with almost everything that this person would say because I having a disagreement with her would be too tiresome for my time. However, I later realized that it was more tiring to agree with something that I personally oppose, just to stay in “good terms” with that person.
If I had been my own counselor, I would have confronted myself by showing my irrational beliefs: that I had to stay in good terms with the person and that it’s better not to stay true to myself to avoid tiresome disagreements. And being a client, I would have been thankful for the enlightenment! I can’t believe I actually talked myself to be “fake” just to make sure I don’t get into arguments with her.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Expressing Myself
In my family, there is much freedom of expression. We can express both verbally and nonverbally when we are worried, angry, even sad. Yet, there is also much limitation. Because I feel that it is awkward when we express something that might be “corny”. This includes love, sadness due to personal love affairs and things like that. I can’t say that it’s not allowed, it’s just that we’re not used to it so it feels awkward. It’s a good thing that cards, letters and text messages exist because it is through writing that we are able to let other members of the family know that we love them, because saying it face to face really is awkward and “corny” (hehe..).
I don’t think this affects much my willingness to listen to client’s feelings. Because I really want to hear the affective state of my client regarding his/her dilemma. In hearing what they feel, what would influence my willingness to listen is the client’s being honest in what he/she is saying.
I am quite comfortable about bringing up an issue with my significant others especially if I know I have a point reason of doing so. This is when I am sure that not talking about the issue would be unhealthy and unbeneficial for most people concerned. I can be both tactful and confrontational, but usually, I do things more with tact, especially when these are vulnerable issues that most would be uncomfortable talking about. Because putting myself in the others’ place, I would also appreciate it more if the person who brought up the issue would do so delicately, not causing any injury (or if there’s any, just slight ones) to everyone involved.
I don’t think this affects much my willingness to listen to client’s feelings. Because I really want to hear the affective state of my client regarding his/her dilemma. In hearing what they feel, what would influence my willingness to listen is the client’s being honest in what he/she is saying.
I am quite comfortable about bringing up an issue with my significant others especially if I know I have a point reason of doing so. This is when I am sure that not talking about the issue would be unhealthy and unbeneficial for most people concerned. I can be both tactful and confrontational, but usually, I do things more with tact, especially when these are vulnerable issues that most would be uncomfortable talking about. Because putting myself in the others’ place, I would also appreciate it more if the person who brought up the issue would do so delicately, not causing any injury (or if there’s any, just slight ones) to everyone involved.
The Case of Amanda
One of the first emotions that I felt reading Amanda’s case was pity—it seems that the girl is lost. Her father’s death, uprooting from the country and culture she has ever known, and unhealthy relationship with her mother: all of these point that she is in dire need of serious help. Of course, Amanda’s way of “coping” with her situations are unnerving, even annoying. And her mother, as a single parent and disciplinarian, seems to be in a rather difficult situation herself, which makes it harder for her to understand Amanda.
I tried putting myself in her (Amanda) situation. But of course, with my Filipino upbringing and not having experienced such deep loss, I admit I cannot totally empathize with her. Aside from personality differences, if I was not educated that people need to be understood instead of being judged I would have branded her as a spoiled, selfish teenager who cannot see the reality that life does not give us what we want all the time.
But coming to think of that, I think I may be an “Amanda”… maybe just in subtler forms. There are times when I am faced with situations where I feel I am totally helpless to get out of, when things don’t go as planned and it’s out of my control, and when something very significant is forever taken from me. In those times when I feel deprived, cheated, abandoned, uncared for, I also try to “cope” haughtily, wanting people to think that I don’t care about any of those things. I guess Freud was right when he said that these defenses can be healthy. But too much of it can lead to mental health hazard. And that’s why we need help… from the significant people in our lives and yes, God.
Amanda, as young as she is, I believe, knows that she needs help. But she is wary of any help, which she seems to interpret as punishment, especially if it is something forced to her by her mother. Which is why she needs help from someone she sees as a friend.
I tried imagining myself as Amanda’s counselor. One of the first challenges of that role is not to judge Amanda—especially if I have already conversed with her mother and/or school authorities. Building prejudice against her would make it very difficult for me to be able to understand and empathize with her.
Another challenge is building a helping relationship with Amanda, which will let her see me as a friend who is willing to help her. If this is established, I am pretty sure that she will be an active partner during the course of the counseling. Yet it would be quite difficult in her case because she was “forced” to go to counseling, and it was her mother who forced her to it.
And lastly, it would be a challenge to make her mother and her siblings to understand that they need to support Amanda through her counseling period. They need to know that Amanda is undergoing a serious phase in her teenage life and quarreling with or scolding her would not exactly be an encouragement for her. Her home will be one of the most important support systems that she needs so that she may concentrate on her internal and relational issues.
I guess we have or we will encounter an Amanda in our life. It is rather easy to just put them under the category of “People I don’t think I can get along with” or “People too selfish whom I don’t want anything to do with”. But to be a helper or counselor is to learn the skill of seeing beyond the surface facts and coming up with questions to probe the real issues. It is to be aware that a person’s actions are just manifestations of deeper concerns that they may be covering up or ignoring. It is to see human beings as persons—with histories, pains, losses, desires, hopes and blank spaces that they want to fill. It is to let them see that there is hope and that they CAN change and work towards what they want HEALTHILY instead of overusing the defenses. It is about listening…
After all, each one of us has a story to tell.
I tried putting myself in her (Amanda) situation. But of course, with my Filipino upbringing and not having experienced such deep loss, I admit I cannot totally empathize with her. Aside from personality differences, if I was not educated that people need to be understood instead of being judged I would have branded her as a spoiled, selfish teenager who cannot see the reality that life does not give us what we want all the time.
But coming to think of that, I think I may be an “Amanda”… maybe just in subtler forms. There are times when I am faced with situations where I feel I am totally helpless to get out of, when things don’t go as planned and it’s out of my control, and when something very significant is forever taken from me. In those times when I feel deprived, cheated, abandoned, uncared for, I also try to “cope” haughtily, wanting people to think that I don’t care about any of those things. I guess Freud was right when he said that these defenses can be healthy. But too much of it can lead to mental health hazard. And that’s why we need help… from the significant people in our lives and yes, God.
Amanda, as young as she is, I believe, knows that she needs help. But she is wary of any help, which she seems to interpret as punishment, especially if it is something forced to her by her mother. Which is why she needs help from someone she sees as a friend.
I tried imagining myself as Amanda’s counselor. One of the first challenges of that role is not to judge Amanda—especially if I have already conversed with her mother and/or school authorities. Building prejudice against her would make it very difficult for me to be able to understand and empathize with her.
Another challenge is building a helping relationship with Amanda, which will let her see me as a friend who is willing to help her. If this is established, I am pretty sure that she will be an active partner during the course of the counseling. Yet it would be quite difficult in her case because she was “forced” to go to counseling, and it was her mother who forced her to it.
And lastly, it would be a challenge to make her mother and her siblings to understand that they need to support Amanda through her counseling period. They need to know that Amanda is undergoing a serious phase in her teenage life and quarreling with or scolding her would not exactly be an encouragement for her. Her home will be one of the most important support systems that she needs so that she may concentrate on her internal and relational issues.
I guess we have or we will encounter an Amanda in our life. It is rather easy to just put them under the category of “People I don’t think I can get along with” or “People too selfish whom I don’t want anything to do with”. But to be a helper or counselor is to learn the skill of seeing beyond the surface facts and coming up with questions to probe the real issues. It is to be aware that a person’s actions are just manifestations of deeper concerns that they may be covering up or ignoring. It is to see human beings as persons—with histories, pains, losses, desires, hopes and blank spaces that they want to fill. It is to let them see that there is hope and that they CAN change and work towards what they want HEALTHILY instead of overusing the defenses. It is about listening…
After all, each one of us has a story to tell.
Comparing Theories
The counseling approaches offer different viewpoints on the nature of man, and how one becomes maladjusted resulting to a need to see professional help. Man is seen here as a product of the past, the choices he/she makes, his/her mentality, his/her overt behavior and the society or culture to which he/she belongs to.
The goals of counseling are seen in different lights, too. Yet they all look towards a direction of providing assistance to an individual who is unable to cope with a present problem that may have its roots in the past and in the cognitive processes of the person.
These approaches also give counselors many choices from which to handpick appropriate strategies, interventions and treatment plans for each unique client. Although counselors are to provide an atmosphere of trust and confidentiality, in which the client feels safe to self-disclose, the counselor also employs a variety of techniques and skills to enable clients to gain insight, realizations and make action plans without imposing their own vales and beliefs. For a counseling relationship to be truly productive, the counselee has to formulate resolutions in a way that will let him/her feel that he/she owns those plans and inevitably, the success.
Since every theory and approach has its own strengths and limitations, an eclectic approach in which the counselor is more concerned on meeting the needs of the client rather than sticking to his/her own perspective of counseling, is vital. Therefore, counselors-in-training need to learn and be equipped with the diversity of belief systems and strategies each approach has to offer. This is not to confuse the counselor or even the client, but to give the counselors a big box of tools from which he/she is able to draw from when appropriate for a particular client.
Approaches to counseling do not necessarily draw the line against each other. They are interconnected, supporting the other’s strength and filling in for what other’s lack. An eclectic approach in the helping relationship will not only benefit the counselor in his/her vast field of expertise, it also maximizes the benefits of the client who will surely be catered to the needs that will enable him to be well-adjusted and able to cope with the tensions and strains of life.
The goals of counseling are seen in different lights, too. Yet they all look towards a direction of providing assistance to an individual who is unable to cope with a present problem that may have its roots in the past and in the cognitive processes of the person.
These approaches also give counselors many choices from which to handpick appropriate strategies, interventions and treatment plans for each unique client. Although counselors are to provide an atmosphere of trust and confidentiality, in which the client feels safe to self-disclose, the counselor also employs a variety of techniques and skills to enable clients to gain insight, realizations and make action plans without imposing their own vales and beliefs. For a counseling relationship to be truly productive, the counselee has to formulate resolutions in a way that will let him/her feel that he/she owns those plans and inevitably, the success.
Since every theory and approach has its own strengths and limitations, an eclectic approach in which the counselor is more concerned on meeting the needs of the client rather than sticking to his/her own perspective of counseling, is vital. Therefore, counselors-in-training need to learn and be equipped with the diversity of belief systems and strategies each approach has to offer. This is not to confuse the counselor or even the client, but to give the counselors a big box of tools from which he/she is able to draw from when appropriate for a particular client.
Approaches to counseling do not necessarily draw the line against each other. They are interconnected, supporting the other’s strength and filling in for what other’s lack. An eclectic approach in the helping relationship will not only benefit the counselor in his/her vast field of expertise, it also maximizes the benefits of the client who will surely be catered to the needs that will enable him to be well-adjusted and able to cope with the tensions and strains of life.
Counseling and Filipinos
I consider the person-centered and behavioral approach to be the most appropriate to use in the Filipino setting or on a Filipino counselee. Why? Consider the following thoughts.
On the person-centered approach
Filipinos are usually ready to share what bugs them. A counselor would not have much problem drawing out a Filipino counselee’s personal history, values, hopes, dreams, strengths, even weaknesses, concerns, fears. It’s like a menu in a restaurant; you ask for something, in a few minutes, you’re going to have it. But there’s a big condition: you have to establish a very good rapport or helping relationship with such clients—which is in line with the person-centered approach’s focus on the quality of the relationship, not the techniques. According to Carl Rogers, empathy, positive regard and congruence have to be present in the counseling relationship to make it productive and result to positive personality change.
Although seeking professional help is not exactly rampant in the Philippines, it is apparent in the need to always keep in touch that Filipinos find a way to vent their feelings, thoughts and experiences to their friends, family and significant people in their lives. It’s like majority are aware that just being able to talk about it, get yourself to actually hear what you’re saying already has a cathartic effect. Usually, Filipinos asked for “advice” but are actually just in need of someone who will listen to them—without judgment, interruption and with undivided attention. Thus, with the generally passive (and very patient) person-centered counselor, the Filipino client would be able to talk extensively within an atmosphere of trust and understanding.
On behavioral counseling
Although the person-centered approach enables the counselor to sit through the client’s disclosure, one of its limitations is that its overly optimistic view may fail to challenge the client to explore deeper areas and may not have a permanent impact to ensure personality change. So, with the support of a behavioral approach, the change in the client becomes more real and concrete. With the Filipino’s willingness to disclose and to usually ask, “So, what should I do?” A counselor may now begin to take an active role in helping the client identify behaviors that are maladaptive and may need to be modified or eliminated. Of course, the counselor does not directly give a long list of “What to do’s” but will assist the Filipino client (by brainstorming, for example) in making step-by-step goals for a change in his/her behavior. This does not only address the symptoms, it also ensures a positive change in the client that will likely continue even after the termination of the helping relationship.
The person-centered approach enables the counselor to hear the Filipino client’s story fully, look into the worldview that is unique to Filipinos. Its optimistic approach is in line with the Filipino’s fatalistic values that always hopes and looks forward to a better and brighter future. But such sharing and self-disclosure is not enough. To achieve those life goals for a better tomorrow, the counselor has to employ behavioral counseling techniques to facilitate the Filipino client in identifying behaviors that may need to be modified, eliminated and learned. Concrete steps in achieving this would be needed to help the client work on something big by toiling first with the smaller bits. With behaviorism’s extensive tray of interventions and strategies, the counselor can choose the most appropriate technique to aid clients achieve their life goals.
On the person-centered approach
Filipinos are usually ready to share what bugs them. A counselor would not have much problem drawing out a Filipino counselee’s personal history, values, hopes, dreams, strengths, even weaknesses, concerns, fears. It’s like a menu in a restaurant; you ask for something, in a few minutes, you’re going to have it. But there’s a big condition: you have to establish a very good rapport or helping relationship with such clients—which is in line with the person-centered approach’s focus on the quality of the relationship, not the techniques. According to Carl Rogers, empathy, positive regard and congruence have to be present in the counseling relationship to make it productive and result to positive personality change.
Although seeking professional help is not exactly rampant in the Philippines, it is apparent in the need to always keep in touch that Filipinos find a way to vent their feelings, thoughts and experiences to their friends, family and significant people in their lives. It’s like majority are aware that just being able to talk about it, get yourself to actually hear what you’re saying already has a cathartic effect. Usually, Filipinos asked for “advice” but are actually just in need of someone who will listen to them—without judgment, interruption and with undivided attention. Thus, with the generally passive (and very patient) person-centered counselor, the Filipino client would be able to talk extensively within an atmosphere of trust and understanding.
On behavioral counseling
Although the person-centered approach enables the counselor to sit through the client’s disclosure, one of its limitations is that its overly optimistic view may fail to challenge the client to explore deeper areas and may not have a permanent impact to ensure personality change. So, with the support of a behavioral approach, the change in the client becomes more real and concrete. With the Filipino’s willingness to disclose and to usually ask, “So, what should I do?” A counselor may now begin to take an active role in helping the client identify behaviors that are maladaptive and may need to be modified or eliminated. Of course, the counselor does not directly give a long list of “What to do’s” but will assist the Filipino client (by brainstorming, for example) in making step-by-step goals for a change in his/her behavior. This does not only address the symptoms, it also ensures a positive change in the client that will likely continue even after the termination of the helping relationship.
The person-centered approach enables the counselor to hear the Filipino client’s story fully, look into the worldview that is unique to Filipinos. Its optimistic approach is in line with the Filipino’s fatalistic values that always hopes and looks forward to a better and brighter future. But such sharing and self-disclosure is not enough. To achieve those life goals for a better tomorrow, the counselor has to employ behavioral counseling techniques to facilitate the Filipino client in identifying behaviors that may need to be modified, eliminated and learned. Concrete steps in achieving this would be needed to help the client work on something big by toiling first with the smaller bits. With behaviorism’s extensive tray of interventions and strategies, the counselor can choose the most appropriate technique to aid clients achieve their life goals.
Getting Over.. Moving On
When I experienced my first breakup about two years ago, I was highly disillusioned, about love, my life, many of the things that I have believed then. I used to be so idealistic about that aspect of my life. I thought that I would not have to go through a lot of pain and bitterness but that was exactly how I felt when we decided to separate. For around three months, I was really bitter—to God, to him, I just thought I didn’t deserve to undergo such pain. A lot of things kept me anxious—seeing him with a new girlfriend, not being able to move on, about being not desirable enough to have another boyfriend. And a lot more… a lot of irrational thoughts actually. I remember being afraid to go the mall because I was afraid I’d see him with a new girl!
Then one of my older girlfriends talked to me. She was one of those persons who gave approval to that relationship and after the breakup, we did not really talk much. She was straightforward. She asked me what I thought about the whole thing, how I was feeling and so on. After pouring my heart out, she then proceeded to tell me a list of things that were my assets (or my good qualities). Then she told me that it was because of how I thought about myself that I’ve turned pathetic. That really struck me. After that conversation, I realized that I couldn’t allow my self-defeating thoughts to eat me up. I had to think about the situation in a new light, see it in a different perspective.
Soon, I was able to take advantage of my weight loss (which was a lot, so thanks to that I’m thin now.. haha!), I took care of my facial skin (which was in dire need of that at that time), I was able to go out with a few guys, and spend a lot of my free time bonding with girlfriends (I was not employed then). I began to see things in a more realistic manner: that he was not that compatible me, that we were going to different directions and that we would be stunting each other’s growth if we were still together. Also, I was able to get over the fear of seeing him with someone new, because I actually did, and I realized then that it was bound to happen because I, myself, was going out with other guys.
The change in mentality or the way I was thinking really helped me a lot. Although I did not go through formal counseling, being able to identify the irrational thoughts that were disturbing me and replacing them with rational and more realistic ones enabled me to change the way I felt and even the way I acted. Yes, I learned a lot then, about relationships, about ideals, about reality and about myself. But more importantly, I learned the art of looking into life dilemmas and tensions in a different light, to accommodate and assimilate real life experiences into my cognitions. Most of all, I learned that I have control—over my thoughts, feelings, and behavior, which more or less gives me control of my life events.
Then one of my older girlfriends talked to me. She was one of those persons who gave approval to that relationship and after the breakup, we did not really talk much. She was straightforward. She asked me what I thought about the whole thing, how I was feeling and so on. After pouring my heart out, she then proceeded to tell me a list of things that were my assets (or my good qualities). Then she told me that it was because of how I thought about myself that I’ve turned pathetic. That really struck me. After that conversation, I realized that I couldn’t allow my self-defeating thoughts to eat me up. I had to think about the situation in a new light, see it in a different perspective.
Soon, I was able to take advantage of my weight loss (which was a lot, so thanks to that I’m thin now.. haha!), I took care of my facial skin (which was in dire need of that at that time), I was able to go out with a few guys, and spend a lot of my free time bonding with girlfriends (I was not employed then). I began to see things in a more realistic manner: that he was not that compatible me, that we were going to different directions and that we would be stunting each other’s growth if we were still together. Also, I was able to get over the fear of seeing him with someone new, because I actually did, and I realized then that it was bound to happen because I, myself, was going out with other guys.
The change in mentality or the way I was thinking really helped me a lot. Although I did not go through formal counseling, being able to identify the irrational thoughts that were disturbing me and replacing them with rational and more realistic ones enabled me to change the way I felt and even the way I acted. Yes, I learned a lot then, about relationships, about ideals, about reality and about myself. But more importantly, I learned the art of looking into life dilemmas and tensions in a different light, to accommodate and assimilate real life experiences into my cognitions. Most of all, I learned that I have control—over my thoughts, feelings, and behavior, which more or less gives me control of my life events.
Counselor-in-Training
Learning about the skills of an effective counselor was a particularly enjoyable part of the journey for me. I discovered that there are many skills and techniques that counselors can employ to help a counselee in the best way possible. That was why I enjoyed answering the journals. There, I found out that I needed to improve my reflecting skills, that I had to practice learning how to confront effectively, that I have to be acquainted with my client’s culture in order to invite him/her to trust me and our counseling relationship and soon, to self-disclose.
Also, I took note of my prejudices and biases. It was then that I realized that I could not be an effective counselor to many groups of people because I held assumptions about them—like gays, lesbians, and the sexually liberated. Although up to this moment, I still have to work on the skill of being non-judgmental, I have acknowledged the fact that my limited world kept me from understanding these groups of people who also have their own stories to tell.
When I was reading Perry’s developmental stages of counselors, I was quite happy to know that my anxiousness about not being able to choose from the variation of approaches that counselors appropriately was quite normal for a counselor-in-training. Learning more about counseling has given me apprehension, which puzzled me. Why was I getting more worried when I was learning more? Shouldn’t I be more confident now? Why do a lot of thoughts race through my mind when I’m supposed to respond to a counselee’s statement? Well, Perry was quite comforting when he stated that it is quite normal for a starting counselor to be overwhelmed by the many possible ways to lead the direction of the counseling to. I had to give myself a break! I still have a lot to learn, to practice and to master!
For the moment, with my awareness of my need for more practice, I have tried to do actual counseling whenever I could. When friends would start sharing to me a problem or situation that they are concerned about, I would tell them that I would be in my “therapeutic helper” mode instead of just being the “therapeutic friend”. Yes, I still have doubts about committing to be a counselor for life, but I’m enjoying that part of me for the moment. Being able to help others with what I’ve learned and even helping myself to be an effective helper.
This counseling class has given me a lot of insights. My reflections in my journals would not hopefully go to waste as I review them and evaluate if I have improved and what areas I still have to work on. Going into counseling does entail a lot of work. Counselors themselves have to be mentally, physically and psychologically healthy to be able to help people who are having difficulty coping with their own life events and stresses. Maintaining that good fit also requires being counseled myself and being open to feedback, correction and more lessons. It is yet unclear what the future brings, but with the knowledge that I have gained, I am hoping that I would be able to look forward positively and to impart that positive outlook to my future counselees.
Also, I took note of my prejudices and biases. It was then that I realized that I could not be an effective counselor to many groups of people because I held assumptions about them—like gays, lesbians, and the sexually liberated. Although up to this moment, I still have to work on the skill of being non-judgmental, I have acknowledged the fact that my limited world kept me from understanding these groups of people who also have their own stories to tell.
When I was reading Perry’s developmental stages of counselors, I was quite happy to know that my anxiousness about not being able to choose from the variation of approaches that counselors appropriately was quite normal for a counselor-in-training. Learning more about counseling has given me apprehension, which puzzled me. Why was I getting more worried when I was learning more? Shouldn’t I be more confident now? Why do a lot of thoughts race through my mind when I’m supposed to respond to a counselee’s statement? Well, Perry was quite comforting when he stated that it is quite normal for a starting counselor to be overwhelmed by the many possible ways to lead the direction of the counseling to. I had to give myself a break! I still have a lot to learn, to practice and to master!
For the moment, with my awareness of my need for more practice, I have tried to do actual counseling whenever I could. When friends would start sharing to me a problem or situation that they are concerned about, I would tell them that I would be in my “therapeutic helper” mode instead of just being the “therapeutic friend”. Yes, I still have doubts about committing to be a counselor for life, but I’m enjoying that part of me for the moment. Being able to help others with what I’ve learned and even helping myself to be an effective helper.
This counseling class has given me a lot of insights. My reflections in my journals would not hopefully go to waste as I review them and evaluate if I have improved and what areas I still have to work on. Going into counseling does entail a lot of work. Counselors themselves have to be mentally, physically and psychologically healthy to be able to help people who are having difficulty coping with their own life events and stresses. Maintaining that good fit also requires being counseled myself and being open to feedback, correction and more lessons. It is yet unclear what the future brings, but with the knowledge that I have gained, I am hoping that I would be able to look forward positively and to impart that positive outlook to my future counselees.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Self-Exploration
In this entry, I will try to answer why.
Maybe because the activity directed me to answer questions that I may have been eluding for quite some time now. Having grown up in a conventional and conservative home and school, I was sheltered. Too sheltered I guess, that it may have made me too righteous. There are times that I compare myself to others and rate myself a bit or a notch better than them. No, it was not on a physical, intellectual or material level, but on the personality and moral aspects.
I feel lucky for having grown up with a Christian family, school, church and friends that shaped the values and beliefs that I hold. When I got to Ateneo University, I was semi-culture shocked because I was suddenly surrounded by people who held not-so-strict morals. People who felt it was okay to smoke, drink and do whatever they want as long as they feel they are not hurting anybody else. But what about themselves? Their bodies? Their wallets (or their parents’)? Not to mention their futures.
That was then that I slowly began to change. Yeah, I became a little looser with what’s right and wrong. But then, it also made a sort-of double standards. Like if everyone thinks that it’s right because a lot of people do it, then maybe it is right. For my friends, their actions may be justifiable. But if I do it, then I don’t think I can forgive myself.
I admit I set high standards and I have a lot of expectations from myself. And I have the tendency to somehow extend the expectations to the persons who are especially close to me. That’s why if they violate it, I am apt feel disappointed, somehow betrayed. And most of the time, a gap slowly forms. Of course the gap doesn’t go on forever. After some time, I am able to accept that that is how they are and as a good friend, I should understand and accept them. Usually, the former friendship is restored, although not totally. But some intimate friendships cannot be brought back. Sometimes a thin wall still separates us. And the former intimacy is never restored.
I mentioned that although I am a very friendly and approachable person, I choose my friends. Because I firmly believe that the kind of person my friends are reflect who I am. And to be honest, I don’t want to be identified with unruly, morally disgusting people. Because I know that once I begin to get close to them, I would want to change them. It would be a good thing if I can influence them for the better. But what if I begin to tolerate who they are? What if I begin defending them? And becoming like them? Presently, I think that’s suicide.
And this brings me to another thought. That maybe, deep inside me, a chained devil lives. Something that because of the way I was brought up was forced to be imprisoned. And this something was somehow stirred when I encountered people who had their devils loose, or maybe freer than mine. I mean, I cannot say that I have lesser sin than others. I may not drink, smoke or do other super-worldly things but I lie, I gossip, I cheat (in school), I get into quarrels with my parents and siblings. Basically human sins. Maybe a part of me knows that it’s possible I could let the devil run loose that’s why I stay as far away from potential liberators, which includes people who could be bad influence.
So…What could have caused a headache? The acceptance that I have adapted a moral double standard, that I could be very unforgiving and judgmental even to my friends and that I have a devil locked up somewhere in there.
Hmmm… Can someone please slay it?
Childhood Memories, Significant Achievements and Fondest Dreams
When we were instructed to think of our happiest childhood memories, our most significant achievement so far and our fondest dreams, scenes from family reunions immediately came to my mind. And a light, cheerful feeling came over me. It did not take me too long to think of the personal details that I could share to my group mates.
If asked to reminisce what happy memories during my childhood years left an eternal imprint on my mind, I would say it would be those summer and Christmas vacations when everyone in my mother’s side of the family would gather at my Amah’s (grandmother) house in Ozamis City (which also happens to be my birthplace). I remember the fun I had when we all had to wear red outfits during my grandmother’s birthday celebrations. I loved being with my cousins. Most of us were of the same age and we always looked forward to meeting, spending time with each other and updating how we were all doing (even in our young lives...haha!). I also remember my Ang Kong’s (grandfather) wake and funeral. But then, I do not remember crying or even feelings of sadness. What I do remember is the excitement that I felt when we were on our way to Ozamis City. My siblings and I had to miss our classes but I didn’t mind it then. I also remember that we all had to wear white outfits—which made quite an impression on me. I just thought that our family was so united, something like that.
What I consider to be my biggest achievement so far is the fact that I helped in establishing Zaphenath Paneah Performing Arts, Inc (ZPPAi). And that we were able to organize its biggest (so far) and first fundraising event last July 8, 2007 at the CYO Gym. This church-based organization was established last August 7, 2004 with the aim of reaching out to the children and youth of semi-depressed areas and giving them the chance to uncover their talents. We started to offer free workshops on dancing, singing and acting for these young people. And the group’s masterpiece is the musicale, Joseph, the Dreamer, which we have been able to perform for several times in Davao City, Tagum, Kidapawan, Cagayan de Oro, Valencia and as far as Cebu. It’s not actually the number of times that we have performed or the amount of money that we were able to raise (because we weren’t actually able to raise any..haha!), but what makes that group so significant to me is that we were able to reach out to those kids and empower them by helping them unleash their talents that could have possibly died if they weren’t given the proper venue to showcase it. And foremostly, ZPPAi is aiming at helping these young people grow in the spiritual aspect.
And my fondest dream is to teach in the Bible School (in Tagum) where my father taught for almost a decade. I know it wouldn’t make me a very rich person but ever since I was in high school, I have been dreaming of being educated there and afterwards, impart what I’ve learned to the next generation. That school trains future Pastors and Bible women, and since I can’t actually see myself devoted to the kind of work that they do, then I guess I can contribute by mentoring and facilitating learning in them (maybe teach them a subject or two in Counseling, that is if they won’t be punished by law for doing so without license, haha!).
Sharing these personal details with my classmates (even if I don’t know most of them that well) was fine for me. Thinking about these things gave me such a cheerful feeling that it was a pleasure to share the thoughts to other people. I’m sure my group mates also felt the same way; we all said a lot of things showing that inhibitions were actually low. And it did not take us so much time to think about what we were going to say so I guess that like me, most of the people in my group were eager to share those personal stuff.
I am actually thankful for the activity. Mostly because it gave a good, pleasant feeling that stayed with me until the next day. It reminded me of good old days, of what I was capable of and of where my heart was leading me to. Plus, it drove away the slight headache that I was having after my first class that Saturday (honestly! hahaü).
Friday, May 9, 2008
My On-The-Job-Training Days: A Look Back
I had fun while "working" at RIZAL SPECIAL EDUACTION LEARNING CENTER. I am so thankful that our supervisor, Ma’am Gold was really kind and accommodating. I was really anxious about working alone on Tuesday and Thursday mornings but she made it easier for me. She was very open about herself and was genuinely interested to also get to know us.
I especially loved my experience in the Intellectually Challenged (IC) class. I adored the kids even if I only had one-hour encounters with them. James was one of my favorites because he’d talk to me whenever he found his way to the Guidance Office. I’d always ask him how he was and he’s shyly look away and say, “Fine, teach.” I really hope that we could be assistant teachers in the IC class again soon.
Doing the OLSAT profiling was also a task that I liked. Although it was pretty menial, I also got the chance to review something that I could not have practiced if Ma’am Gold did not trust us with the job. Maybe I’d also be a Guidance Counselor someday and the experience could help me in making my job easier because I’ve already practiced and experienced it. I really pray that Ma’am Gold’s plan of letting us administer the OLSATs would really push through because that would be another learning experience.
Although the teachers’ evaluation was a tedious and tiring task, I also had fun doing it because I discovered an easier way of tallying the students’ evaluation of their teachers. Ma’am Gold’s method of getting the students’ evaluation was good and is also a big help for the tallying person not to get lost in the tallying process. There were many times when I felt I would fall asleep while working but I was able to keep myself awake because of the set deadline that we had for that task.
I’m also glad that I had Misuey and JP with me during the practicum. They helped in making things easier for me because I knew that they would be there to help me out. I’m also glad that I got to know some students in that school. They were really kind and friendly.
I’m honestly looking forward to our next training in Rizal Sped. I know that there are still a lot of experiences in store for me.
I especially loved my experience in the Intellectually Challenged (IC) class. I adored the kids even if I only had one-hour encounters with them. James was one of my favorites because he’d talk to me whenever he found his way to the Guidance Office. I’d always ask him how he was and he’s shyly look away and say, “Fine, teach.” I really hope that we could be assistant teachers in the IC class again soon.
Doing the OLSAT profiling was also a task that I liked. Although it was pretty menial, I also got the chance to review something that I could not have practiced if Ma’am Gold did not trust us with the job. Maybe I’d also be a Guidance Counselor someday and the experience could help me in making my job easier because I’ve already practiced and experienced it. I really pray that Ma’am Gold’s plan of letting us administer the OLSATs would really push through because that would be another learning experience.
Although the teachers’ evaluation was a tedious and tiring task, I also had fun doing it because I discovered an easier way of tallying the students’ evaluation of their teachers. Ma’am Gold’s method of getting the students’ evaluation was good and is also a big help for the tallying person not to get lost in the tallying process. There were many times when I felt I would fall asleep while working but I was able to keep myself awake because of the set deadline that we had for that task.
I’m also glad that I had Misuey and JP with me during the practicum. They helped in making things easier for me because I knew that they would be there to help me out. I’m also glad that I got to know some students in that school. They were really kind and friendly.
I’m honestly looking forward to our next training in Rizal Sped. I know that there are still a lot of experiences in store for me.
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