In this entry, I will try to answer why.
Maybe because the activity directed me to answer questions that I may have been eluding for quite some time now. Having grown up in a conventional and conservative home and school, I was sheltered. Too sheltered I guess, that it may have made me too righteous. There are times that I compare myself to others and rate myself a bit or a notch better than them. No, it was not on a physical, intellectual or material level, but on the personality and moral aspects.
I feel lucky for having grown up with a Christian family, school, church and friends that shaped the values and beliefs that I hold. When I got to Ateneo University, I was semi-culture shocked because I was suddenly surrounded by people who held not-so-strict morals. People who felt it was okay to smoke, drink and do whatever they want as long as they feel they are not hurting anybody else. But what about themselves? Their bodies? Their wallets (or their parents’)? Not to mention their futures.
That was then that I slowly began to change. Yeah, I became a little looser with what’s right and wrong. But then, it also made a sort-of double standards. Like if everyone thinks that it’s right because a lot of people do it, then maybe it is right. For my friends, their actions may be justifiable. But if I do it, then I don’t think I can forgive myself.
I admit I set high standards and I have a lot of expectations from myself. And I have the tendency to somehow extend the expectations to the persons who are especially close to me. That’s why if they violate it, I am apt feel disappointed, somehow betrayed. And most of the time, a gap slowly forms. Of course the gap doesn’t go on forever. After some time, I am able to accept that that is how they are and as a good friend, I should understand and accept them. Usually, the former friendship is restored, although not totally. But some intimate friendships cannot be brought back. Sometimes a thin wall still separates us. And the former intimacy is never restored.
I mentioned that although I am a very friendly and approachable person, I choose my friends. Because I firmly believe that the kind of person my friends are reflect who I am. And to be honest, I don’t want to be identified with unruly, morally disgusting people. Because I know that once I begin to get close to them, I would want to change them. It would be a good thing if I can influence them for the better. But what if I begin to tolerate who they are? What if I begin defending them? And becoming like them? Presently, I think that’s suicide.
And this brings me to another thought. That maybe, deep inside me, a chained devil lives. Something that because of the way I was brought up was forced to be imprisoned. And this something was somehow stirred when I encountered people who had their devils loose, or maybe freer than mine. I mean, I cannot say that I have lesser sin than others. I may not drink, smoke or do other super-worldly things but I lie, I gossip, I cheat (in school), I get into quarrels with my parents and siblings. Basically human sins. Maybe a part of me knows that it’s possible I could let the devil run loose that’s why I stay as far away from potential liberators, which includes people who could be bad influence.
So…What could have caused a headache? The acceptance that I have adapted a moral double standard, that I could be very unforgiving and judgmental even to my friends and that I have a devil locked up somewhere in there.
Hmmm… Can someone please slay it?
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